Criticism: how to respond to yourself, how to ignore accusations
Criticism: How to Respond to Criticism? Let’s be honest – despite the fact that we have long been told about the importance of criticism for personal growth, few of us like being criticized…
And the point here is not only that we are all selfish and morally immature people, unable to appreciate someone who took the time to point out our shortcomings and thereby give us the opportunity to improve.
The fact is that not all criticism is constructive; some critics are simply manipulating or trying to exert their power over us in this way.
Not to mention that criticism is always the result of another person’s subjective perception of the situation and our actions, a perception that is worth paying attention to, but not necessarily the ultimate truth.
In other words, the correct strategies for dealing with criticism lie somewhere between Buddhist acceptance of everything and its opposite, fierce denial.
Criticism: how to respond to yourself, how to ignore accusations
How important it is to respond to criticism correctly, to be able to abandon aggressive defense and to perceive any criticism directed at you with love and a sense of humor.
Many psychologists have worked on this topic, and most of them agree on one thing: constructive criticism is one of the most powerful catalysts for development (personal, professional, social, any), and it makes sense to learn how to use this catalyst correctly.
The rejection of criticism and the painful reaction to it are due to the fact that for most of us the approval of other people is important, this is how society is arranged, psychologists explain. Recognition of our merits by others is a substitute for the love that we all need so much, and that is why criticism is painful for us, because criticism is the antithesis of the sought-after approval.
“Once you realize that you don’t have to seek recognition from your boss, colleagues, or acquaintances, you’ll be able to respond to their criticism much more calmly. And even extract useful things from it.”
How exactly do you gain useful experience from a situation where someone criticizes your actions, your work, or even the very fact of your existence?
Turn criticism into a discussion with an open-ended question
If your interlocutor uses criticism as a tool of manipulation, then your aggression in response is exactly what he is seeking. If your interlocutor thus shows his power over you, then the deaf unconsciousness and attempts to justify himself are a sign that he is succeeding. If your interlocutor is a constructive person, and really wants to draw your attention to things that are important for your development, then your attack in response will deprive you of the opportunity to learn something new. All three options are so-so.
Ask the critic an open-ended question in response: “Thank you for bringing this to my attention. What could I have done to avoid these mistakes?”
An open-ended question in response moves you from the position of the criticized person to the position of the person who moderates the discussion and controls its development. Even if you completely disagree with the criticism addressed to you, give the interlocutor a chance to speak, and only then decide whether the information received is useful to you or not.
Avoid conflict generators: “I know without you,” “that’s not true,” “that’s not true,” etc
If you hear criticism directed at you, then most likely you don’t know something. It is clear that criticism is always perceived as an attack, and we subconsciously defend ourselves with such phrases, but these phrases, unfortunately, turn a potentially constructive conversation into a conflict.
“I see,” “I understand,” “interesting,” “yes, yes” (without irony): these words and phrases show that you have enough self-confidence to listen to criticism calmly.
Don’t give in to your paranoia
Of course, criticism spoils our mood. It seems to us that the world is against us. Or that the critic hates us, wants to put us down, or is just a villain who likes to get us (and this also happens, but very rarely).
Remember yourself when you criticize someone – is there hatred behind it for the person being criticized? No, no, you simply see some shortcomings/errors from the outside and report them, most often with good intentions.
Moreover, you probably forget about this incident almost immediately, because your life is filled with other things, and not at all with hatred for the object of criticism and the desire to wipe him out of the world. If the object of criticism is you, everything happens in much the same way – think about the fact that people rarely criticize those who are completely indifferent to them, and do not give your paranoia a chance to get the better of you.
Any criticism is subjective
Well, unless the situation really requires your apology, which you completely agree with (for example, if you hurt someone’s feelings). In all other cases, remember that any criticism is subjective, and it doesn’t always make sense to immediately accept the critic’s opinion.
“Thank you, I’ll take it into account” is a polite way to let the other person know that their opinion has been heard, while reserving the right to decide for themselves whether this opinion is useful or not.
Criticism: How to Ignore Accusations
Don’t let criticism inside you.
The harshest critics are not the people around us, they are ourselves. A conversation with a criticizing boss lasts 15 minutes, our internal monologue can then last for weeks. And our internal critic is often less polite than our external one.
No one is perfect and there is no person on this planet who has not been criticized at least once in their life. Not one!
Instead of delivering self-deprecating monologues, simply replay the entire conversation in your head once and decide what you can take away from it (for your career, for personal development, for understanding the situation, for your relationships, etc.)
After this exercise is done and you have transformed the criticism into experience, turn the page and move on without getting stuck in useless reflection, advises the psychologist.
Ultimately, the most correct strategy for dealing with criticism is to treat the critic as a potential source of useful information for you, without allowing yourself to be humiliated or accepting everything he tells you unconditionally. “Okay, I heard, I understood, I’ll take it into account, thank you,” is a constructive strategy in five words.
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